Being that time of year again, you know when dreams of spring are in the air, I thought it appropriate to share my thoughts on love.
I think most of us have a notion of what love is and isn’t, but are we correct in our understanding. Most would agree about what love isn’t. Love is not berating or beating your partner, nor is it any number of other despicable acts. But what is love? For everyone asked, there will be a different take on what love is. Sure, there will be common ground that people have and maybe that is what love is, or is it?
Some say you don’t know what you had until you’ve lost it. That I can agree on, at least as far as love goes. As an oldie but hopefully still a goody, I have lost many in my life. From grandparents, to pets, parents, and even my spouse, there have been many who have left my sight, but not my heart. When I lost my mother, I was reminded what love is. When I lost my wife two years ago, however, I came to realize, I hadn’t really known love until I had lost her.
Since I lost my beautiful wife, I’ve pondered many things, one of which was love. So, love to me was when your heart hurts so badly that nothing you do brings back that much needed breath of oxygen. It’s a panic filled void that you feel, but cannot fill. It literally seems as if you are dying from a lack of breath that nourishes life itself. Honestly, I just can’t put that feeling it into words. I will say this, that feeling isn’t love, but the lack of one who loved you and you them. My point in this contradiction is that most of us confuse love. For a moment my confusion seemed to be love, but still I starved for lack of that beautiful breath of love. That feeling I had, was unmanageable grief.
From being married for thirty years I found that love is not a lot of things. Love is not infatuation, it isn’t lust, sex, someone to get you another beer, or make you feel important, nor are they a trophy on your arm. Love certainly is not a box of chocolates, a diamond ring, a house, a car, nor any of the other trinkets retailers want you to believe shows someone they are loved. Love is actually pretty simple, but easily confused. Love is wanting to put another person in your life, before you. Love is that sweet breath of air when you see them, which can be seen through a smile and a sparkle in our eyes. Love is caring for that person when they are ill or grumpy. Love is allowing that person in your life to disappear for a bit because they hurt and need to find themselves, yet again. Love is knowing your partner made a mistake, but loving them through it. Love takes guts, patience, and it takes wisdom. You see, love is crafted not in an evening of romance or hot lusty sex, but over a life time.
Love is like two seedlings growing up together. Some days one seedling wants to grow and stretch their branches, while the other wants to curl up and sleep. Love is encouraging one to grow, while we snooze a little longer, and love is comforting that snoozer in our life as we spread our branches upwards. Because we are physically separate beings, we live independently of each other. While we want and attempt to live as one, we are individuals with our individual moods, separate desires and dreams. We sometimes feel angry or rejected when one seedling wants to grow to the right when we want to grow to the left. We have come to believe that they should want to grow with us, not away from us. Growth happens differently for different plants or people. Just as branches on a the same plant grow north, south, east, and west, it does not mean the branch of the north is not part of the same seedling. Want to test love? Let it grow the way it wants to grow. Let it sleep in, let it play in the rain, but don’t try to conform it. Love is an amazing gift, not to be sought after, not to be contained, not to be controlled or molded, but to be set free. Love is to be confident and love one’s self enough to let that cute little seedling to our left reach for the stars even when we want to sleep.
These days many people want someone to complete them, so we seek love in our hope that someone else will fill that breathless void. That void, that precious gasp of air can only be taken and filled by us. Yes, there are people throughout our lives who for a fleeting moment or for 30 years or longer, help us grow. Some of these angels as I like to call them, stop in just to wake us up. Some help point us in the right direction, and if we are lucky, some will take our hands and help guide us for the rest of our lives. While I will say, don’t leap before you look, I will also say this, when that flawed angel comes into your life, tells you to grow, waters and feeds you with encouragement, preens your beautiful wings just to set you free, don’t just let them go because they too are flawed. The wisdom part of love is knowing when to hold them and knowing when to fold them. Don’t be hasty.
In the end, love is not most things. Love is not something we control. Love is not something that controls us. Love is what is shown to us through action, not words, nor things. Love is who sets us free, nurtures us to become more than we are, and who is willing to spend the rest of their days in that endeavor and finally, love allows us to grow or die when that times comes without holding us back. Who you love will be their when you need them, and will let you go just so you can fly, even as their heart is breaking. Love is unselfish even when it is painful.
I believe love is rare. I believe most of us confuse love with many other things. I believe we should be selfish in our finding love, but once found, we should embrace it or let it go, simply because we love. I hope each of you find the person you can love through anything, and if need be, let them go just so they can fly, even when it breaks your heart.
Then you will know what it is to love breathlessly.
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